Wow, this blog makes luke seem like an asshole. He’s not, I promise. I just can’t vent to my friends/family because I know he really wants to impress them. So I just spew our problems all over this blog. It’s dumb but sometimes I feel better being able to articulate what I want to say, with no filter or remorse. That’s what this is for. For the few people that follow it though, I feel bad! I don’t want anyone to think that my relationship is falling apart! I just need to vent to the internet sometimes. Going off that whole doormat thing, I never really let myself feel how I actually wanted to. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. So, I lied to myself constantly. This gives a certain realness to some situations. It gives more depth, and reminds me ‘hey, you felt this way when this happened. You were really upset, here’s proof’. It’s just not healthy for me, or anyone else when I bottle things up and pretend nothing is wrong. Keepin it real 2k12.
(This has been yet another extremely disorganized post!!!!)
That was the most redundant, disorganized thing I have ever written. Whatever y0L0
Ah. Fucking crying my eyes out, my head hurts so much. I cannot even begin to process lukes past drug use. He lied to my face on several accounts. He’s different now, I love him more than ever. But, I just wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t in denial along with being a doormat through high school. I wonder if we’d even go on a date. Things even started rocky. Maybe thongs were meant to be that way for some reason. I know that the lying and the bullshit is over with though. It’s all in the past, but finding out about it now really sucks. It already happened, I can’t change anything. Hard pill to swallow. I’m just afraid he’ll come home and go back to how he was. I know that’s very pessimistic, but he’s broken a part of my trust. He’s had plenty of opportunity to come clean about everything. I want to believe him, but old habits die hard, and drugs are fun. I don’t have to worry for a while but ahhhhh. I can’t help but think about it and I’m going crazy. I honestly do love Luke and I am so happy I met him, just looking back I wonder why I dealt with it sometimes. I guess it had to happen that way to get where we are today. I never doubted my relationship for a second, looking back I question why not. Maybe I’m just really good at seeing the big picture. Maybe I’m just insane. Either way, its working out nicely now. The past sucks
Cry because you want to go to panera, but not all alone because you’re afraid you’ll see a loose acquaintance who knows its your birthday and sees you spending it all alone and laughs at you for it.
I’m really scared and no one has given me a reason to not be, which makes everything so much more scary. Pathetic, I know, but I really can’t shake this. Life has been almost surreal lately, but when I stop going and give myself a minute to think, everything sinks in. Sinks into my gut, and then my gut sinks to the floor. Not a pleasant feeling at all.
Conclusion: I’m dumb
This just in:
I’m stupid and no one wants to be around me ever!
People choose to be blatantly rude or mean to me, but with no real reason. Be fucking honest, so I can at least try and improve myself.
And trust is dumb.
I don’t like trusting people, I’ve learned that that’s a dumb thing to do. I’ve never had this problem before. Maybe I’m just growing old and bitter, but I dunno. This post is everywhere and I feel completely disoriented and ridiculous. Whatever its my dumb personal blog
I don’t know what to do
I have really bad issues that I can only talk about with one person
and that one person doesnt think my problems are legitimate
I’ve never really had “opening up” issues until recently/late high school so this is just really weird for me. This makes everything especially difficult because I’m not sure how to deal with it. I don’t want dependency issues to develop out of my insecurities, but that’s exactly what’s starting to happen. I just want you to tell me it’s going to be okay, and maybe say something nice and convince me i really don’t have to worry
I feel really, really horrible and I don’t know what to do. In this situation, I actually need a shoulder to cry on. I rarely do, but this is just so unbearable. I only feel comfortable crying on Luke’s shoulder, and he’s unavailable to me for the next few weeks.
The distance honestly hasn’t really gotten to me until recently
and I’m going insane because of it I guess
“good way to handle my honesty”?
fuck off.
Good way to handle me feeling like absolute shit. make it worse!!!
